Back to School: Virtually

At about 2:45 today I was standing in the kitchen and I suddenly realized “Oh my gosh. I still have to make dinner for my family.” I had plenty of time of course before dinner, but it just hit me, and it was oddly overwhelming. I was already so tired I could barely stand. I looked to the left and saw Iris outside playing with sand (which was everywhere by the way) and I looked to the right and saw my laptop open on the kitchen table, with a stack of papers next to it, outlining my next work task.  I looked forward and saw an extremely messy family room and a dirty table. I looked down at my wrist and figured I must have done at least 15,000 steps today.  My movement had to match my level of fatigue.  But the Fitbit flashed back. 4,300.  Ummmmm…

How the actual heck could I be so tired when I’ve (according to my watch) barely moved today?  Well, I’ll tell you how. School started today.  And instead of dropping the kids off and coming home and laying on the couch not moving for a half hour to try to begin the recovery from summer break and constant entertaining, cleaning, cooking, etc… we branded our living room with the name of a pretend school, adopted a family mascot (the masked sloth), and started on our journey for a year of virtual learning.   Today we went to school to pick up devices and met teachers through the windows wearing masks, dealt with technology issues, attended zoom meetings and my daughter also had two ABA telehealth sessions, one before school started and one after it ended.  I even touched my very first Chrome Book, which was a big moment for me because if we are really being honest, I didn’t even really know what a Chrome Book was before all of this started. 

I wouldn’t say that I’m tired from “Zoom Fatigue,” or even from supporting my kids through virtual learning.  It’s different than that.  It’s a tired that comes from the weight of what is going on in the world, and starting school, at home, was a powerful reminder of this. It’s a tired that hits the core of a parent as we worry not only if we are going to be successful with instructing our kids, but also if we can make this experience good enough for them that they won’t come out emotionally scarred on the other end.  It’s the tired that comes from hearing your child yell, “I want to go to REGULAR school with a REGULAR teacher!” and not having an answer for them when they ask when they can go back. I feel the weight of not knowing if I can be a special education teacher, speech therapist, physical therapist, occupational therapist and adapted PE teacher for my younger daughter, while still supporting my older daughter, being a good wife, friend, daughter and sister, getting work done for my own job, keeping the house clean, and … wait for it…. remembering that these little people running around my house need to be fed on a regular basis.  I know these are weights we are all feeling right now. It’s virtually impossible to not feel like this. Virtually Impossible. See what I did there?  Even my impossibilities have gone virtual. 

Its 10:30 and my day is coming to a close. I still have things I would like to get done, but I’m closing up shop because I’m so tired I can barely move. My watch still only says 7,181 steps, but I feel like I ran an emotional marathon today.  There were tears, there was yelling, there was laughter, there were treats and hugs and I felt so proud of my kids for being brave and trying to see the positive side. I felt in awe of the teachers on the other side of those screens, doing all the can to make this special for our kids. And, I feel insanely in awe of my friends who are working full time, some of them teaching their own classes, while also supporting their children. If you think about it, it’s really incredible what people are doing. This year isn’t starting out the way any of us wanted it to, but you better believe that we are going to give it our best shot. Go Sloths!