Put Your Mask on First

After the emergency spiel, the flight attendant gently puts her hand on my shoulder and says, “Ma’am make sure if the masks come down, put yours on first and then help the little ones.” I smile and nod and say “ok” all the while thinking to myself “if those masks come down, there is no chance I am going to be doing that.”  To me, the concept of “put your mask on first” is really hard. I don’t know how we are supposed to feel happy or good about taking care of our needs before those of the people around us who can’t fully care for themselves. But, at the same time, I also understand that if we can’t breathe from lack of oxygen on a plane and pass out before we get the mask on the kids, everyone will suffer.

Airplane rides aside, how to do we tackle this as parents? What is the balance between taking care of ourselves and taking care of our kids (or our elders as many parents of young kids are also experiencing)?  And, how does whatever the answer is translate during a global pandemic when access to support and resources are limited? AND, how is this different for parents of children with extra needs? These are the million-dollar questions.

Given our current situation, I imagine most parents aren’t really indulging in many extra treats for themselves. I think most of us are just trying to get by.  I read a story recently about how we are going through a second wave of dealing with this pandemic due to the gradual reopening of things paired with a new fear of re-entry into the world. We got used to being at home, and now we have to get used to going back out into the world. A world that honestly, isn’t any more safe than it was three months ago.  How can we even think about taking care of OURSELVES when we are busier than ever taking care of our families?  Making decisions that affect everyone’s health and safety? Trying to figure out what the heck we are going to do to fill our summer days when we can’t really go anywhere? Will the kids go back to school in the fall? And honestly, who is going to hold your baby while you put on your mask anyway because your babysitter STILL isn’t allowed in the house??

 I’ve wanted to write this post for a while, but the truth is that I actually don’t know how to write about this topic because I’m the WORST at self-care. I hate exercising, the guilt of taking time to myself outweighs the joy I get from being alone and every time I try to take a break, I feel like a catastrophe strikes that needs my attention NOW, the break ultimately gets interrupted and it seems silly to try again. I try to do yoga, my dog sits on my face, I sit down to check my email, someone spills a drink, I try to make a work call mid-day, the dog pukes all over the carpet, someone’s hair needs to be brushed, someone’s shoes need to be found, you know the story because I imagine your own version of this happens at your own house.  But I want to write about it because I know that I really do NEED TO LEARN how to take better care of myself because I have been in the position where I am so unbelievably tired that I feel like a walking zombie. And as we look toward the possibility of another YEAR of homeschooling while trying to balance working and not allowing babysitters or other helpers in our home I figure I better figure something out pretty quickly. Nobody really wants a zombie for a mom or a dad, at least I don’t think my kids do and I’m fairly certain that zombies don’t make successful homeschoolers.

 The thing about a self-care routine is that it gets tricky when you have a child (or multiple children) who requires a higher level of attention than a typical child (and we all know that even “typically developing” children still need a lot of attention!).  Most parents of young kids don’t get alot of time for themselves and accept the fact that their hands will be full for a few years, and find a way to power through, because the days of increased independence are coming.  As kids get older, they tend to get easier, childcare and playdate options widen (sometimes you even get to drop your kid off at SOMEONE ELSE’S HOUSE FOR A FEW HOURS!!!!) and parents can squeeze in a little “me time” while the kids do their own thing.  But, parents of kids with special needs know that the days of increased independence might not actually be coming and honestly know that if anything, it is probably going to get harder as the years go by.   They will get bigger and we will get older. We aren’t dropping our kids off at other people’s houses to play, we aren’t leaving our kids for the weekend with someone so we can get a night with our spouses or to ourselves. Realistically, we aren’t even sending our kids to the bathroom alone because they still need help (and we might even be bringing them along to the bathroom with us because frankly, it isn’t safe to leave them unattended for even a few quick minutes).  Every waking minute of our days is spent making sure that someone else is safe. And right now, we are doing that within the supports found only in our own homes, without school staff, therapists and respite care workers that help us so much during regular times.  The reality is that we have to be WAY more creative when it comes to finding ways to take a break. And sometimes, it feels like more trouble than it’s worth. 

But, we have to find a way.

The other night, it was coming up on bedtime and my eleven-year-old said, “Do you want to read to me mommy?” And I did want to read to her, but my eyes were so tired that I honestly didn’t know if I could. She must have seen the look on my face because she quickly said, “I’ll read to you and you can lay in my bed.” So, I laid down in her bed and she left the room and came back with one of my cloth face masks.  She told me I could put it over my eyes so it would feel darker and I could fall asleep while she read.  The mask. She brought me the mask. I put it over my eyes and closed them while she read. And guess what? I felt better when she was done reading. 

Find your mask. Put it on.  And, if you can’t find your mask, ask someone to help you look for it.  Maybe your “mask” is letting your kids watch an extra show while you read a book for ten minutes (and while we are on this, can we all please just agree to stop feeling guilty about allowing extra screen time right now??). Maybe its cooking your favorite recipe for dinner even though you know the kids don’t like it and serving them cereal instead of listening to them complain, or planning a quiet date night with your spouse after the kids go to bed, or letting the laundry pile up and giving yourself permission to not care for a couple days, or taking a minute to call a friend. Masks look different for everyone, just try to do whatever you can to make yourself feel like you’re getting some kind of a break. Putting your own mask on doesn’t mean you aren’t going to put on your child’s, or your husband’s or your wife’s or your dad’s.  It means that you are more likely to have the strength to put on someone else’s mask on when they need it.   And they will need it. And you will be the one to do it, because your mask will be on and you will be able to breathe.  And the one who can breathe is the one who can take care of others. 

And also, since we are on the topic, wear your actual mask when you go out in public. It’s the right thing to do.